Things You Can Tell Just By Looking At Someone’s Facebook
by Ryan O’Connell
This girl is happy. Oh wow, she just went skiing in Colorado. Who is she making out with on the slopes? Oh, it’s her boyfriend. Wow, it looks serious. I remember lurking her last boyfriend on Facebook.
He seemed cute and nice. But he was also clearly “The Boyfriend You Have In College”, you know? When Facebook notified me about their break up, I wasn’t surprised. I bet she’ll get married to this one and then I’ll see their wedding pictures and baby pictures. I haven’t seen this girl since high school but this is the life I always imagined she would have. It makes me sad for some reason and I’m not sure why.
This person is in a dark place. They’re drunk in all of their photos and their friends look super sketch. I actually ran into this guy six months ago at a bar and he was so fucked up. I hadn’t seen him in awhile and his skin looked terrible. He was skinny. Maybe too skinny. I’m not surprised that there’s “I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH DRUGS AND/OR ALCOHOL” stapled across his Facebook. This makes me sad too. I’m disconnected from this person but here I am getting a glimpse into his problems on his profile. I feel like I don’t have the right to look. I’m going to stop now.
Whoa, this person has changed. They’ve really cleaned themselves up. God, our friendship was so weird. We hung out every day for a few months and then she just went away back to California. She looks more chill now. There are all of these photos of her with her family and dogs. Oh wow, she has a new boyfriend too and he’s hideous! They’re writing on each other’s walls saying things like, “I luv u so much baby!” Sick. Oh well. The last time I saw her, she was drunk and peeing in the kitty litter box at her apartment so I guess this is an upgrade. Good for her.
Ugh, why does my uncle have a Facebook? He posts these annoying status updates that are essentially inspirational quotes. His default picture is of him hiking shirtless. Ew, put that away! You’re, like, 50. I don’t like my uncle. It feels bad saying that because he’s blood but I don’t care. He sucks. Looking at his Facebook just makes me angry so I’m going to defriend him. Yay. Feels good.
Oh look, it’s my ex-boyfriend. Next.
Oh okay, this is my best friend from middle school. It’s weird to see him kissing some girl and being all grown up. because I know him best with dirt on his face and skinned knees. Looking at his Facebook makes me feel old or distant or both.
Ugh, this bitch. How did she end up being so successful?
This person never moved out of my hometown. I want to feel bad for her but she looks happier than most on her Facebook. Maybe she’s the only one who figured it out.
Remember when this person was my best friend and I saw her cry on the street? I fed her sandwiches at my house afterwards and we laid on my bed for what seemed like forever? Facebook won’t let me forget.
These people shouldn’t be in my present. They deserve to be in the past. But in 2011, there is no past. You’re not allowed to grieve anything because nothing actually dies. It just sits there slowly decaying, staring at you with a sinister grin. Sometimes Facebook feels like a museum of my life. I guess I’m just finally getting tired of looking at artifacts. I guess I’m just too sensitive for fucking Facebook.